Broken Valentines

Sometimes love is not meant to bloom.  It is a hard cruel fact of human life for some of us.  If you know of someone having recently experienced a broken relationship or unrequited love, let them know you care and send them this post.

Nothing like Valentine’s Day to rip up a wounded heart in the midst of misery or that never healed. You won’t hear their sorrow, nor the cries they try to bury in the bottom of their heart.

Unrequited love and broken relationships are painful situations that make you feel rejected and leave in the wake of your sorrow all sorts of psychological debris.

It is the death of a dream.  A death without a coffin.   Confronting the stark brutality of rejection makes you question your own self worth and can chisel away at your self-esteem.

Being a therapist for over 40 years, I have seen my share of those unfortunate ones limping through the day.   Most of them try to put on brave fronts, while the hurt simmers below.

Who we fall in love with is often clouded with mystery.  It can be as mysterious as well why some take off and others descend into painful ashes.

The bottom line is why we may end up with someone in a relationship that eventually ends, is not always as logical or as obvious as you might think.

Basically, in some instances, your love can not be returned because in the inexplicable realms of love, it was not supposed to or the timing was not right for either of you.

Actually, when this happens, it is not about rejecting you at all. For obscure reasons that only God and the universe know;  those reasons may remain hidden to our human understanding.

In the cases of timing, there are some developmental and psychological reasons behind why a relationship can’t successfully develop.  I explored this topic in length in a previous post on unrequited love, in February 2018.

If the universe or God wants you to have a relationship with someone, you will. If not, he or she was not meant to be yours at this time in the first place!

One of the more obvious reasons that you may not want to hear is that they were wrong for you!   If you could dial into the future, and see how they turned out and have treated other people in their life, you might even feel relieved!

 Nevertheless,  what you perceive as rejection might be a rescue!  You were perhaps saved from having a miserable life with that person.

Very often, I see that some patients may have come onto a new relationship with leftover baggage from previous relationships.

If they have not explored in what possible ways they may have contributed to a failed relationship and made efforts to change, then they will repeat the same behavior that will have detrimental effects.

Waiting and hoping for someone to change is fruitless.  No one changes unless they want to!

In unrequited love, persistence in trying to establishing contact with someone who is unavailable to you will only lead to resistance and is basically futile.

A hard truth to swallow for someone hellbent on trying to scale over an impossible wall.

Retreating may be easier to do than accepting. Retreating allows you some needed time to begin to understand and start the process of healing.

Getting help from a therapist can offer you an increased understanding about the whole sad situation and give you needed support during the process of healing.

For those of you who have been raised in a Christian environment, you may have heard of the new testament Apostle Paul talking about being unequally yoked with someone.

Although it traditionally meant that Saint Paul is talking solely about the importance of having a relationship with someone who shares your religious faith, it can also be interpreted to mean more than that.

We certainly can be attracted to differences in a beloved, but after the initial romantic love wears thin, differences in education, culture, and faith may indeed creep up and cause difficulties.

Falling in love with someone who can not share or respect your spirituality or faith, or who may even mock or try to discourage your faith, is a bad sign.

A yoke is a wooden harness that encircles animals that allows them to pull together equally to carry out chores.

To make any relationship durable and nourishing for both, then both partners need to be in the same vein of pulling their weight to make the relationship work.

If one partner lacks the same desire or intent or ambition in investing in your relationship, you may find yourself ending up doing all of the “pulling”.

However impossible to understand or accept unrequited love or a broken relationship, we have to eventually face that mysterious unknown element of destiny.

What is meant to be, in the Divine blueprint of our lives generally happens without us pushing and bulldozing.

It is perfectly normal to grieve your loss.   Being told to just “get over it and get on with your life” doesn’t work.

Talking about your pain to a trusted other helps take off some of the bleeding edges of your sorrow.  Releasing your pain, hurts and bruised ego to God can be a healing measure.

Patience is required to realize that when one door closes, it may be to prepare you for a better relationship or at a more appropriate time.

Your new relationship may be waiting for you in the wings of the universe, waiting for you to close this painful chapter in your life.

In the meantime, treat yourself to a lot of TLC, and learn to be your own Valentine, not just on Valentine’s Day, but every day.

Be open for the unexpected to come your way when you least expect it!

You will love again!