Forgiveness is Always a Gift of Freedom to You

All of us at some time in our life are going to get betrayed, or extremely hurt and even abused. Life by its very nature is what it is and as long as we have relationships with other human beings, we are open to having our trust snatched from us, even when we least expect it.

Betrayal is a loss of trust and occurs as a shock as the perpetrator is generally someone who we have completely placed our faith.    Betrayal hurts the most with it comes from a friend, family member, spouse, business partner, and or significant other.

It is certainly normal to be totally flooded with tremendous amounts of anger, shock, sadness, and disbelief.   For some, the anger surges into a rage that can be explosive and dangerous.

With this level of anger, we are at risk of wanting to revenge the hurtful betrayal, which is never a good idea.   Though wanting to strike back may be a very normal human reaction,  acting out your need to revenge is harmful to you.

Revenge is extremely dangerous, as the revengeful person is the one who will be hurt the most in the end, not the perpetrator, especially if this encompassed any illegal acts of destruction or harm.

Additionally, when you become the revenger, you also join the ranks of the perpetrator.  Committing wrong against the wrong-doer never rights the wrongs in the first place.  Righting the wrong is not your responsibility, as that ultimately belongs to the universe and God, not you.

The tremendous anger and hurt from a betrayal if not released can become stagnant and festering like a swollen boil.  Carrying around all that anger eventually will become poison because anger is harmful energy to contain and conceal below the surface.

A lot of people carry anger in their upper spinal column around the shoulders and neck, producing muscle tension, cricks, and headaches.  Some around the lower spine causing pulled pelvic muscles and chronic back aches.

Our cardiovascular system and gastrointestinal system is also very sensitive to internalized anger as both are controlled by the sympathetic nervous system, which is heavily influenced by emotional states.

Suppressed anger can constrict blood vessels, increasing blood pressure with possible atherosclerotic causing properties.  I find it can be a trigger in autoimmune disorders such as rheumatoid arthritis.     Chronic GI upsets, increased stomach acid production, and bowel irritability are seen often in those who store anger.

The energy of holding onto anger is just plain toxic and will continue to break down body tissues, unless released.  Over the years it will become a bitterness that leeks out and contaminates your personality.

The chronically angry person becomes cynical,  given towards biting sarcasm, with pointed verbal barbs and quick displays of anger that is out of proportion to events.  I have had some patients who even unconsciously created or looked for occasions to explode.

Angry people give off recognizable energy that is disturbing and unsettling.  To me, it feels like a dense field of tenseness that makes me feel uneasy and on guard.  In the extreme I find myself pulling away or even avoiding.

When I see patients who, for whatever reason are angry, a lot of them have just cause.  As much as I can empathise and understand their anger, and am there to listen to all the injustices or betrayals they have endured, I know that in order to heal there has to come a time to forgive.

I have lost count of the times I’ve heard the phrase or something similar that  “I will always hate  him/her.”  “Forget about forgiveness!”  What most don’t really realise is their reluctance to forgive actually imprisons them in a sludge of anger and bitterness.

I like the quote: “Resentment is like drinking poison in hopes it will kill your enemy”.  It will be you who will rust your pipes, not them.

For some, it is a way to stay connected to the perpetrator, however sick that might be. For them, they have a need to constantly validate their anger and hatred.  Not letting go keeps them bound like an umbilical cord to a  destructive force that only hurts them, not the perpetrator.

When I gently present that the goal of healing has to consist of forgiveness down the road; I am often met with “Cherry, you are asking too much”.  I have to remind them that forgiveness is a gift of freedom to them, not the bad guy.

Forgiveness is a choice to be liberated from the obsession and destructiveness of long-held anger and resentment within.  It is freedom for you.  It really has nothing to do with the other person who betrayed you.

Since years of anger and bitterness never hurts anybody but yourself, there really is isn’t any other good choice except to forgive.   It allows you to focus on getting on with your life rather than drowning in hate.

Forgiveness is not forgetting, nor is it never feeling bits of anger again.  Traumatic events are traced in our brains, so from time to time residual bubbles of anger might come through, but that does take away your choice to forgive.

I find it helpful to remember that anybody who deliberately and maliciously hurts or betrays another human being is a wounded individual and that betrayal is coming from the part of them that never healed.

For me, that makes forgiveness an easier bridge to cross.  It is never our job to take it upon ourselves to make sure that the perpetrator is punished or get his “just rewards”.

In the scheme of things, whatever you could think of as punishment, the universe or God generally will serve up an even more severe punishment. The cosmic law of karma works regardless of your forgiveness.

The universe also has an uncanny way to give us “lessons” till we learn forgiveness by betrayals in our life.  That is why I see them as have a potential silver lining if we can choose the path of freedom by crossing over that bridge of forgiveness.

P.S.  This is an updated post that I published several years ago.