In 36 years of practice, I have seen and heard of some of the most unbelievably tragic tales of people being caught in relationships, where the seeds of dissent and dissolution were there from the start!
It is like the signs of heartbreak were already blinking like a neon sign, that were overlooked or downright denied.
Human attraction which leads to valid and consistent human affection and love is not something one has to manipulate as if it were some strategic battle plan.
In my most humble opinion, real attraction that leads to “love” is either there or not. I put love in quotation marks because each one of us has varying degrees of defining love,
Mine relates to the realm of complex love, rather than just a mere passing fancy attraction or sexual liaison.
The intensity of attraction is usually evident within just a few seconds of meeting someone for the first time. It is a sensation of being overwhelmed, of being pulled to that person.
It can be said to be often a profound recognition that this is “the one”. Those bells and chimes are significant, but attachment takes much longer and that can be a treacherous slope for some couples.
So many times I hear of relationship woes which were present from the very beginning. The initial scenarios are always very convoluted with masked meanings and unknown agendas.
Nothing seems real clear, only vague declarations of interest in forming a relationship that can be interpreted to fit whatever is hoped for or fancied as love. When there is an initial withholding of affection, it is an ominous sign.
You can’t coerce attraction, commitment and love out of anybody. Devising ways to get someone to be interested in you rarely works. However sad, real attraction and love is either there or not.
When a person comes in with a new relationship that is basically wobbly from the start, there are always questions in my mind. I want to know all I can about the other person involved as to see if there is any real possibility this relationship can float.
If there are already warning signs at such an early stage, such as lying, deception, withholding, anger, possessiveness, criticalness, manipulation, need to control, lack of tolerance, sexual conflicts and lack of consistent sharing and reciprocal affection, then the seeds of a pathological relationship are at hand.
Those are perhaps the most serious, nevertheless, there are many others at play. These are the early red flags that put a very dim view of the budding relationship.
As a therapist, it is easy to construe all sorts of scenarios of pathological relating stemming from various deep-seated childhood issues.
The plain truth is even if uncovered and worked on, they constitute a real challenge to the well-being of the relationship.
If I had to choose the most prevalent culprit, it would be intimacy issues. They are not uncommon and are in place in varying degrees of pathology.
They certainly interfere with attachment, but sometimes they do not come forth to any great degree until after there is some commitment made, and not surprisingly after marriage.
These fears of intimacy can masquerade as withdrawal and what I have nicknamed the “yo-yo syndrome” Sometimes your companion seems emotionally available and then they aren’t.
There is no consistency in their availability to you. You are left in constant fear of whether they really care for you or not. This syndrome is worthy of a post just in itself!
When you have to trek up a slippery slope to obtain love, there is a good likelihood that the relationship however sought after is just that; treacherous and slippery.
Most of us take the challenge head-on, unprepared for the eventual hurts that are usually waiting for us around the corner. Perhaps that is when we can say naive optimism can lead us astray.
Giving our new-found love interests all the hope in the world, in the midst of strong red flags flapping in front of us puts us on a quicksand of hope.
When you fall in love with someone, you are put in a position to deal with their own unresolved issues, or baggage, and vice versa. Some of those are benign and do not pose any severe constraints towards intimacy and attachment.
The ones listed previously will certainly come up to challenge even the most love-struck couple. I have often cautioned my patients to go slow in any new relationship.
Find out as much as you can about their relationship with their parents and especially their previous romantic ones or marriages.
Human beings will rarely change unless they choose too, so how they treated someone in the past, is a strong indicator of how you will be treated.
Beware of those who point blame entirely to their ex without mentioning perhaps their own contribution, unless there was obvious abuse from the ex-partner.
Getting help early is always preferable rather than letting things drag on, becoming worse. Simmering in silence only breeds an eventual angry fallout.
Better to address issues with a new partner as they come up. Nobody can read your mind, even if you think they should.
Hoping someone will change is fruitless. You can only change yourself, not the other.
Where there is love, there is hope. But love alone can’t float a sinking ship. Love may well be the glue, but any relationship regardless of issues will have to have a commitment to stay above the waters.
A more positive notation is that difficult relationships, however stressful are lessons in themselves of love, tolerance and forgiveness. However, whenever there is outright abuse or they become unbearable, it is better to let them go as peacefully as possible.
In the end, they can be growing experiences that can provide valuable lessons to what you need and want in relationships and the red flags to look for in the future.
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Hi Cherry,
Good insightful advice . . . LOL . . . I was going to make a comment; but it is all really too complex of a subject. People either find their way to handle their relationships or they don; too much is simply “in the eye of the beholder”, and what they perceive huh? It is like the ocean waves swashing upon the beaches, shifting the sands with every wave. The best that I can think of is “to thine own self be true . . . and willing acceptance and tolerance for the idiosyncrasies of the ones that we love. It is either satisfyingly comfortable and enjoyable or not
Heck, occasionally have a difficult time with my own idiosyncrasies, much less those of my wife; but we have managed fo have a good life together for over 31 years . . . yeah, there have been “ups ” and “downs’, goo times and some rough times; but we’ve managed to have a good life together overall. A lot of the problems seem to be that people tend to unrealistically expect too much in relationships. We have to give the other person enough space to be themselves, and not what we idealize that they should be; and that is a two way street. Life is imperfect; we are imperfect human beings, so we do the best with what we have and what we are confronted tih day by day. What more can we expect? idealism versus reality . . . one has to make “common sense’ choices about it all or suffer the dire emotional consequences, huh? Our lives are, for the most part, what we make of it all.
I think that your words of wisdom should be helpful to many people.
Thank you David. Count yourself as one of the lucky few who has a successful and long relationship. Your wisdom around tolerance of others and idealism versus reality certainly has played a pivotal part in your successful marriage. Your summary of the needed perceptions and behavior towards spouses is wonderful, especially about allowing them to be themselves. Hugs
Cherry,
Last night June and I watched the final episode of the Masterpiece Theater Downton Abbey a fanatasticlly good and interesting series about the life of the English upper class and their servants at the turn of the century around 1900.s. One significant personal incident was when the wealthy aristocratic husband came around to accepting his wife’s wife fulfilling work being on the hosptial’s Board of Directors or Administration . . . . he went from resenting it as an incroachment on their lives to understanding and appreciating the sense of fulfillment and achievement that she got out of it all.
Sharing your thoughtful wisdom and advice … relationships are indeed complex.
You have posed many points for someone entering a new relationship to ponder.
Cherry, your depth and insight never cease to amaze ! You have been a “wise old soul “
for a lifetime !
Blessings to you Anne for not only your very kind words but for the many years of friendship that I have been blessed to enjoy! Whatever wisdom I may humbly offer comes from a well of my own plundering mistakes and those witnessed of the many suffering others in my practice trying to surmount difficult, be it extremely improbable relationships. Hugs to you