In Grieving, Limping Along May Be The Best You Can Do

Life is never a long tranquil river as the French say but instead runs you through rapids, over rocks and even slams you on the banks, like a beached whale.

Grieving losses is inevitable in our lives despite our best efforts.  Some losses leave deep scars that can cripple you.

Most of us work very hard to keep things sane and the same most of the time, yet life always seems to have some tricks up its sleeves.

Being in control or being captain of our ship sounds easy, doesn’t it? But, life sometimes takes away our license to run our boat of life in whatever direction we think best.

Bottom line is that we are never fully in control of our own lives, and certainly not others.

Most of us start out thinking that if we do this or that and try to be a good enough person and citizen, we will somehow be rewarded by all of our efforts.

Nativity isn’t a bad thing really.  I see it as the beginning of trust just getting out of the starting gate of life.  A sort of innocent cross the board optimism that actually can serve as our inner tube for awhile.

Let the youth have their time in this false sense of security.  I find it much better than to grow up distrustful and cynical, which can end up leading you to wage war when the fight has never started in the first place.

If nature is in the process of constant change, then so are human lives despite our best effort otherwise.  I see the most beautiful green forest reduced to ugly charred sticks by wildfires, as a way of renewal.

Sometimes we are left charred and scared too by losses. Like the renewal of any burned forest, the process is slow and sketchy at best.

Losing your job and the ability to support yourself and family is horribly traumatic, especially if you are in the middle of your life stream.  A real jarring nightmare.

Discovering a diagnosis of a chronic disease or facing a disability pulls on all the strings of coping, plunging us into despair.

Finding out your life partner is in love with another person is one of life’s most painful rejections.  A painful breakup which tears at the fabric of your being can sometimes leave scars behind.

A loss of love through rejection in any manner is like going through a death without the coffin.  Sometimes there isn’t any resolution and the wounds still bleed.

Losing a loved one in death takes on different dimensions of grief.  Losing a child at any age is the most painful and grievous of all of life’s losses.

The death of a child leaves a  hole in your heart forever.  Time does not take away grieving. Grief has a course of its own plunging us in endless tides of sorrow.

Acceptance is never finite either. Because there is no other option, we slowly succumb to a reality we can never change. There isn’t any end-stage of grieving the loss of a child.

In my opinion, grief does not happen in stages but in layers that overlap and with bubbles from one layer breaking through into another and then submerging for awhile to resurface again.

I have always disliked self help books or therapy that have lists of how to get through this or that like it was some sort of connect the dots way to deal with losses holding empty promises at the “finish line”.

The reality is that there isn’t any finish line when it comes to grieving the death of a child.  

Every human being is different in how they handle losses and one recipe for all just does not work.  Embracing my faith and spirituality brings me solace and allows me to sustain hope, yet for some not open, it seems empty to them.

When you are in the midst of a loss, comfort and emotional support are most needed rather than being told to follow some directives.

First of all, when people have losses they are naturally immensely sad, shocked and some go on to develop severe depression.  Human beings caught in the trenches of despair need time for adjustment and the slow process of acceptance, not homework.

Acceptance of wherever you are of in the process of grieving requires compassion not only from others but especially from yourself.

Don’t buy into what you should or ought to be doing.  Well meaning friends and family who have never experienced your loss may create unrealistic expectations for you.

There is no race or competition in grieving. We all have our own pace in grieving.

Patients often complain to me that family and friends are tired of their sadness or grieving, telling them to get on with their lives.  Getting back on the saddle of living is a goal, but that is something for you to do without being pushed or goaded.

One of the most tempting pits after a breakup is running out to fill up your life with finding new partners, sex, drugs, alcohol and so forth, all destructive and useless.

Cramming your life full of endless non-stop activities initially does not shorten the grieving process. It may distract you somewhat, but sadness has its necessary place in slowing us down.

Swimming in sadness is a normal expected emotional state for human beings after a loss! It is not a character defect or weakness!  You don’t have to be “strong”.

Loved ones can better support someone in their sadness and grief by listening to and encouraging them to talk.  Aimless repetition of the loss, the feelings associated with it is actually part of letting go, a release mechanism that is needed and normal.

Distraction might be better served in small parcels in the beginning, whenever the grieving person has the energy to get out.  Distraction is like a carrot that temps the grieving person to reengage in something and that isn’t bad, if not overdone.

Think of grieving as on a spectrum that has several degrees of severity.  Healing can be seen also as being on a spectrum, depending on the nature and severity of the loss.

Just as there are chronic physical and mental illnesses, there are some losses where the chronicity of grieving is to be expected, such as the afore mention loss of a child.

Walking through life with an invisible limp or a crutch after such losses happen.  Let it be with acceptance that limping might be the best you can do.

Be grateful for whatever blessings you do have. Focusing on your blessings can be difficult, but is well worth the effort.

People who have walked in your shoes of loss have little time for judgment, only compassion for the suffering that they too know all too well.

 

P.S. If someone you know is going through a loss and grieving, please send them this article with love.