High School Reunions; A Survival Guide for High School PTSD

It’s that time a year again for high school reunions.  This every so often social event may be a banal ritual for some but terrifying for others.    High school reunions are often avoided by those who have experienced and retained painful memories of humiliation during their adolescent years.

Let’s get real here; there are a lot of teens that come away scarred by the whole high school scene and look back on those years with painful disdain.  For them, it is like going back to the shark tank.

LGBTQ  teenagers are notoriously affected, but many others also, because of shyness or introversion, family problems, socioeconomic differences, ethnicity,  and various other reasons.

Adults don’t go around talking about it much, except maybe to therapists, but high school PTSD exists my friends. Certainly, you have read about teens who have committed suicide because of the humiliation and bullying they experienced.

I have had several patients literally traumatized during those very formative years, and who are still affected by those traumas in their adult years.

PTSD symptoms, by the way, can recur many years later, from the initial traumatising event.  They can also intensify the chronicity of social anxiety and depression in those genetically predisposed.

Downright physical and psychological harassments to deep feelings of rejection and exclusion are part and parcel of some unfortunate teens, who for whatever reason, have come away vowing to never return amongst those who caused them tremendous hurts.

For some, the thought of meeting up again with those who wounded them at such a tender age is enough to bring back much anxiety and even panic.     Not an easy task to heal from.  Finding an understanding ear, such as a therapist is the first step towards dealing with these tortuous memories.

As in all PTSD sequelae, there will be avoidance, which in itself is initially protective, but in the end, needs to be addressed and resolved to complete the circle of healing.  Becoming a prisoner of this avoidance will only serve to perpetuate the fear and anxiety.

There comes a time to confront the avoidance by crossing over the bridge and placing yourself in the arena where the scars were inflicted. This can be the final stretch of healing.

The goal is not so much conquering these fears, but to deflate and minimize them and most important, replacing them with more positive associative feelings.   Waiting till you no longer have any anxiety or residual fears before you go is non productive, because generally, they don’t just melt away.

Holding on to old grudges and anger only serves to rust your psychic pipes with toxic energy that can literally make you ill.  Bitterness poisons and destroys you, not the offending ones.

For those of you who have been silently suffering from these age-old hurts and are willing to contemplate returning to face these fears, that has held you prisoner for so long,  then this post is for you.  Hopefully, you have had the opportunity to be in therapy prior to any decision to return.

1.  The hardest decision to make is the obvious one to go!  Getting to that decision takes courage and a commitment to yourself to take the matter of your own healing into your hands.  No one can do it for you.  Therapists can only prepare and pave the way and offer support and guidance, but the final assault must come from you.

2.  With the difficult decision made to go, the next would be to plan ahead for some support and backup with some trusted former classmates who knew of your suffering and will be there to hold your hand so to speak, if needed.  Likewise, a supportive companion can be a wonderful buffer to take along too.

3. Entrenched fears may have faded, but realistically speaking they are not going to fly away, so you must be prepared to take them with you.  That is normal and expected.  Your task is just that, to take them back to the playing field, where you are going to interact and function with them, and despite them!

4.   Anticipatory anxiety will be there too, but let it be.  It has no more power to hurt you than a sword of thin paper.  Make “friends” with your fears and anxiety, by accepting them as a normal offspring of old hurts.  I generally ask patients to give their fears a name, such as”Freddy fear”.

5.  Before going to the reunion, use social media to make contact with old classmates, as this can take the edge off of some anxiety.     Then make simple goals such as: I am going to go up to at least five former classmates to say hello and inquire about their lives.

6.  If you suffer from social anxiety in addition to high school PTSD, it helps to have prepared and practised a formulated overture of dialogue.   Pretend you are a reporter, who is intent to find out what these former classmates of yours have done all these years since last seen.

7.  Be inquisitive and curious about others, rather than focusing on yourself!  Remember, that they too may have harboured old hurts themselves, that you never knew. Everybody that you meet is a walking story waiting to be told!

8.  Be open, and give others the chance to show you a different interaction, than the one you remembered and might have projected. Beware that your negative projections of others can often influence your take of the interaction, that may have nothing to do with them in relating to you today.

9.  Be open to forgive those who may have hurt or snubbed you.  Youth is a hard time for all of us, and some teens will act out their insecurities and fears by hurting others.  Be aware that time can often change and soften their hearts.  They may have suffered too in their path in life.

10. Seek out those who did befriend you and offer your appreciation. Express your gratitude for their friendship.  Let them know they provided a safe harbour in that long ago turbulent sea.

11.  Offer expressions of empathy and sympathy to your fellow classmates who you know have suffered in their own life path through loss, sickness or other adversities.  I assure you that you will not be the only one who has scars or who has suffered in life.

12.  Walk away from the reunion with a sense of gratitude and accomplishment for yourself!  Hard things are hard to do, so you definitely earned your own pats on your back!  Hopefully, you will come away with deflated fears and implanted newer and much more positive feelings to grow and take root.

General guidelines for all attendees would be to refrain from voicing,  getting involved in,  baiting or pulling others into any political or religious debates and diatribes.  Even if you know for sure that other people share the very same passionate beliefs as yourself, the people in proximity of hearing you may not, and may feel awkward approaching you.

The bottom line is that reunions are meant to bring together those who grew up in the same locale and attended the same school.   You all have shared collectively in certain rites of adolescent passage!

In addition to sharing each other’s current lives, focus on those memories that you all were exposed too in the trials and tribulations of growing up.

First loves and dating, breaking up that was so hard on everyone, lamentations over grades and difficult teachers,  getting around parental limitations that seemed back then downright oppressive and punitive,  the triumphs and losses of playing sports, the crazy stunts, the outrageous and daring behavior engaged in for fun and sneakiness, and the list goes go!

If you are aware of any fellow classmates who were hurt and felt left out in the past, make a deliberate goal of seeking them out and sharing with them.  Certainly, if you felt that you were ever unkind, now is the time to offer apologies to the ones offended.

Last but not least is knowing that what counts is how you relate to others with kindness and interest in their lives.  Showing sincere interest, acknowledgement and applause for their accomplishments goes a long way in how you are perceived with warmth and affection.

We are remembered not for what we know, nor what we have accomplished, but how we make others feel good about themselves.  A generous spirit prevails to warm the hearts of others!