If Only She/He Would Change

If only she/he would change.  I can not tell you how many times I have heard this from patients in an unhappy relationship!

It always saddens me because I know that the truth of the matter is that it is a rare human being who is going to want to change because of their spouse or companion wants them to.

I always listen with much empathy as some of my patients have gotten themselves into really difficult relationships.

So its makes it hard to tell them that they are totally powerless over changing anything about their companion.

You can hope all you want to, but getting someone to change their behavior because you want them to is at best fanciful thinking.

The old adage that you can’t change anybody’s behavior except your own rings true.

You can though learn to respond differently to your companion’s difficult behavior.

The bottom line is that for any behavior to be changed , it has to be desired from that person .

That is why nagging never works and only breeds either avoidance or worse, just plain resistance.

In doing conjoint(marital) therapy, it becomes obvious that there is always a dance so to speak between partners, called dynamics,  that is firmly established in any relationship.

As a therapist I have to outline and explain with much diplomacy how certain behaviors towards a spouse might result in harming the relationship or even outright lead to war.

I have zero power in being able to get people to change either.  I can only point  out how their behavior is destructive and will continue to create problems in their relationship.

Individuals behavior in any relationship is formed long before a couple meets.  Why?

Because each partner grew up in a family, where his feelings and thoughts developed in regards and in reaction to the fundamental relationship he had with his own parents.

The bottom line is that our first relationships occurs with our parents.  That primordial relationship will firmly set our ideals about how we are seen, reacted to and attended to by those who profess to “love” us.

If that relationship was conflictual and even worst abusive, then there are going to be consequences for the developing child as he/she grows into adulthood.

Perfect families rarely occur in reality.  Most of us have had hurts experienced in our family of origin.  The resulting scars, whatever they are, are going to affect future relationships to come.

I call that baggage that we all bring into our adult relationships.  When you marry someone or form a relationship you are taking on so to speak their individual baggage.

You are also taking on their past unresolved hurts  that they may have had in any previous relationships.

We are all  components of childhood relationships plus those that we accumulated as adults.  In the end we develop certain tendencies and behaviors that we carry into any future relationships.

That is why I like to see couples individually at first in order to have a full session where I can get a complete history of each.

Additionally this provides them an opportunity  to feel free to share with open honesty their concerns and conflicts in total confidentiality without concern of reprisal from their spouse.

We usually are not aware of these tendencies as they are unconscious and generally will come out as projections. Remember, projections are feelings and thoughts that we project onto others  in regards to how we think they will react towards us.

If those projections are negative and worst if both partners have them, then it is inevitable that problems are going to occur sooner or later.

Sometimes these tendencies are not evident when we are in the courtship phase, but will come out in force once there is a formal commitment in place.

With the committment in place, such as marriage, then each partner is confronted with meeting the intimacy needs of their spouse.  If intimacy has been problematic in the past, then these problems will recur.

Intimacy demands can open up Pandora’s box, because they reawaken old fears and hurts from the past.   It is then, that the tendencies and projections come into play.

That is why relationship problems are repetitive, unless the partner has gotten help in understanding their own  contributory behaviors that may be conflictual in establishing a harmonious union.

This quest for help usually is only sought  after a divorce  or split. Understanding why you have tendencies to do this and that is a start, but the real challenge comes in changing your own behavior.  That is where the hard work begins.

In any marriage, It takes two motivated individuals who want to ameliorate their relationship, but that is not always the case.   When only one partner is agreeable to seeking  help, all is not lost just more challenging.

Because even if one partner changes their behavior then that will affect the dynamics or dance in the relationship.  If the conflicts are not very serious, that in itself will help relieve tension.

Ideally,  it takes both partners to take an honest inventory of their own behavior and see how that impacts the relationship as a whole.

If both partners could only develop understanding of why their spouse has certain tendencies,  this alone helps towards acceptance that they are not outright victims of each other.

Blaming alone only serves to breed more anger and resistance, and will not bring about change.

For me, as therapist,  this requires a tremendous amount of diplomacy in dealing with both partners hurts and anger.

Getting both of them to look at each other with compassionate understanding rather than outright blame is really a challenge and involves much teaching and explaining.

Obviously if there is infidelity or other abuses going on, there has to be agreement to stop any abusive behavior in order to have any chance to save their relationship.

Helping a patient deal with their partners infidelity is a whole other ballgame and worthy of an entire post.

The bottom line is you will be more successful by tweaking your own behavior and your own response to your spouse’s behavior, than by trying to change your partner.

Acceptance, understanding, compassion, flexibility and a willingness towards compromise are all called for in any relationship to be workable and sustainable.

But, its take two partners, to accomplish this and as in all relationships, there may be limits to what you can expect from each other based on personality and ingrained issues.

Taking baby steps towards whatever mutually agreed upon goal takes time and a lot of effort from both partners.  As in all therapy there are ups and downs on the road to having a more mutually satisfying relationship.

It is always better to get help early on, rather than wait till issues and conflicts have created a huge crevice.

Sometimes the hurt and anger is so severe on both sides, that therapy becomes one of mediation, rather than reparative.

Not all relationships can be fixed.  Some are just too weighted down with too many scars for survival. You can’t resurrect the Titanic that has too many holes.

I can  adamantly add that all abusive relationships are toxic, and if no change is foreseeable, then partners wading in this constant flux of assaults are better off without each other.

Staying in any abusive relationship, be it physical or emotional for the sake of children is more damaging to them than the stress and strife of separation and divorce.

When saving a relationship is not possible, especially when children are involved, the focus should be towards obtaining as peaceful of a dissolution as possible.

This is imperative, especially for the children’s well-being.  All attempts should be taken to avoid any parental alienation from either side.

On the other side of the coin, where there is mutual love and commitment towards a common goal, and a willingness to look at oneself, there is only hope.

Any valued relationship is worth preserving, but  requires an investment of time and energy from both.

Basically, it comes down to a lot of acceptance  and toleration of each other differences, personality make up and needs.

Those hard gained personal goals are worthy of learning and essential in any successful relationship.

The rewards are monumental, as the alternative can only bring further distance, which eventually will result in failure and misery for all involved.