From time to time, I will see in my therapy room people who have little notion of who they really are. By 
that I mean they have never differentiated into their real selves, nor even started individuation.
What is the real self, you might ask? In a nutshell, it is an integration of your very unique personality composites that genuinely reflects all that you were meant to be. It is incorporating your shadow, and aspects of your unconscious revealed through dreams, therapy, personal spiritual exploration, and the mirrors(relationships) that come into your life.
It is courageously unveiling your true personality in the framework of your persona( that which you present to others). There is no longer any conscious effort to hide that which you are. In some ways it can be likened to a rebirth of you!
Birthing your authentic self is the process of individuation, which is a Jungian term. It is not the focus on individualism, which can be self centered and selfish, and promotes separation from others.
Carl Jung placed great importance on individuation of the Self and saw it as the final and ultimate stage of personality development. Individuation generally does not begin to happen till in your later years.
Why? Most of the time during one teen’s, 20’s and 30’s , we are very busy conforming to what we perceive will bring us the most affirmation from our parents , teachers, employers, spouse, and society at large.
Individuation is more likely to occur in your 40’s, generally after a loss or wounding. Just when you think you have got this life thing mastered and under control, your world falls apart, leaving a gaping raw hole in your perception of yourself and your world.
Alchemists called this time the nigredo, which looks and feels like a disaster, but this is the very time that has the most potential of rebirth. It could be a separation or divorce, loss of a job, a death, a betrayal and or an accident or illness.
This is where we can see the sphinx rising up from the ashes. This dark night of the soul provokes a new energy for renewal. I call it the pruning away of that which has held us back from full realization of the Self.
Individuation is the work of a lifetime! It does not magically appear at any certain time. Learning what comprises the rough unhealed areas that you try to mask from others, and even yourself(the shadow) takes time and hard work.
Therapy can provide a wonderful and safe venue to help explore and access hidden or dormant feelings. It can be a helpful time to look into your shadow with compassion and heal what you can.
This time of discovery basically involves learning to listen to and develop trust in your inner you, rather than letting your real desires, feelings, thoughts, opinions, to be masked or camouflaged by others.
You can liken it to a slow “coming out” as used by our LGBT brothers and sisters. We can learn from and even model their courage, because for them, the risk of disapproval and rejection are more out front and can be imminent.
Individuation occurs slowly, because it becomes your own personal evolution over time and the space of your human life. That psychological upheaval in your life is your springboard.
Whatever it may be, it has to be jarring enough to make you feel wobbly on your set of pillars that you have relied on in life to protect you from your emerging self. Sometimes, we actually have to fall off our bearings all together, realising that we don’t have total control over our life, except how we react to it.
Think of it as a process of becoming! The real authentic you is the goal! For you, who have lost sight of your Self, it will require some real digging around in the playground of your psyche!
The first step is separation and differentiation, which normally starts to occur in our teens and can entail rebellions of sorts. Differentiation is our comprehension that we are distinct individuals from our parents and our peers.
In some families, this is not possible at all, and in some, differentiation of the self is discouraged. Some families go way beyond discouragement into absolutely forbidding any separation and differentiation at all to occur.
Generally when this happens, it is a very narcissistic parent, who will do her child’s moulding at all costs. This is relative easy with sensitive children, who are very cued into meeting their parents expectations.
They are at risk of losing sight of their entire uniqueness that they were born with in order to obtain affection and much-needed approval for that parent. Some of these sad persons can even stay that way throughout their lives.
Narcissistic parents do not see their children as individuals, but as an extension of themselves. They are unable to distinguish their children’s needs as being different from their own.
It is very easy to mould so to speak the sensitive child by withholding affection and approval. Worse is punishment or cruel criticism or humiliation if or when their children display interests, feelings or needs not deemed valuable, wanted nor desired to behold in their children.
Over time the child sacrifices and relinquish his on personality and needs, and adopts that of his overbearing parent. Tiger moms are a perfect flagrant example of these types of narcissistic parents, but it can occur in more subtle ways with chronic pressure to perform and conform.
Some of these parents look like the perfect parents to outsiders. The old saying that no one really knows what goes on behind the front door of a family is true.
Some narcissistic parents are perfect gate keepers, such as you might find in cult leaders, who can quietly squish any disobedience. They are astute protectors as well of the family’s “perfect family image.”
Whoa be to any do good therapist who tries to point out the source of pathological behavior, as she/he will be quickly devalued and dispatched in order to save the sick family status quo. The sicker the family, generally the more resistance the therapist finds in trying to change family dynamics to more healthy ones.
Children from these families will float along quite well in their 20, s and early 30’s as they are still very propelled by parental expectations and approval. They will go into careers outlined as “best” for them, even if the young adult has other interests.
They will be coaxed to attend the same universities or even those more prestigious. They will be groomed to associate with a certain friends that their parents seem more fitting. Pressure to conform is maintained throughout the college years, as of course parents hold the purse strings.
If they are “lucky” enough to have a rupture in their day-to-day fabric of being, they might be awakened enough to start to see life different than through the lenses of their parents.
Sometimes, it takes their whole world to unravel, before they can shed their outer shell that was formed to hide their real selves, that was cast upon by their master parental moulder.
For the more courageous, they might enter therapy, shaken to the core. Generally the first red flag I see is when I ask them in a very generic mode, how they saw their childhood. Majority of the time, I get a response saying it was “perfect”.
In their eyes at first glance, it was perfect. Perfectly arranged, perfectly moulded, with little to no differentiation allowed, because all individuality was either extinguished from the start and if budded, was quickly sheared away.
Total compliance was the rule in these families. Troubles, or any negative or disturbing feelings were denied and sweep under the rug. No one ever was allowed to talk about the elephant in the room.
After all, the perfect family image to please society and extended family members had to be kept intact at all costs. Cracks were quickly plastered over and all disobedient ones were quelled or dispatched emotionally.
Pity the poor LGBT child who has it even worse in families such as these. Not too many years ago, some never come close to coming out, but quietly resolved to living lies in order to avoid societal humiliation. Some killed themselves rather than face the disappointment and rejection, they were fearful to experience.
Carl Jung felt that individuation was the apogee or the highest level of psychological development you could achieve in your lifetime. I believe that each of us is born into this world with certain talents and gifts and that each of us has a certain mission to accomplish using our unique gifts.
Individuation is never complete though, until we start to see our Self as part of the Divine whole of humanity. Along with this is a deep concern and compassion for others in our world.
The greatest virtue and feat of individuation is giving back to our community of mankind on earth. We can do that with our unique gifts that we have been blessed to have and have mastered in our lifetime.
It is through our benevolence and talents that we can nurture the well being of others. For in the end, the true self is a whole unique self within the universal whole of others that we share on planet earth.
Our spiritual quest leads us to leave a positive imprint that will benefit others after our earthly departure. Our spiritual journey requires a promise and legacy to try to leave this earth a better place than when we arrived.
Our spiritual path has mystical overtones, as we recognise that there is a greater force and wisdom than our own. None of us lives in isolation from the work and hands of the master sculptor, God.
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Cherry, thank you for your very insightful blog article. While I am not a therapists or psychologists, I happen to share a lot of your perspectives in these matters.. Unfortunately, as you noted, those with the most severe problems are the first to reject any type of therapy or discussion of these matters.
I have never had, nor felt the need of therapy. My wife tells me that she knows me better than I know myself . . . Ha! However, I do feel very comfortable with myself, and my perspective on life in general.
My EX-wife is an extreme example of what you describe as a “Narcissistic parents do not see their children as individuals, but as an extension of themselves”. . . . and sensitive, naive children can be greatly impacted by their mother’s “smother love”. My son was totally estranged from me due to the influence by his mother; and his life has turned out to be a total failure in almost every respect. He never went to college (as he could have), he had three three failed marriage, none of which lasted longer than a year, usually a matter of months. He had one out-of wedlock child (no idea of the gender),; and his 22 y/o daughter’s mother was a drug addict who deserted him and her daughter. He has never held a job that provided a livable income for him and his daughter. I think that he has spent half of his adult life living in his mother’s home, sponging off of her financially; apparently frequently changing menial jobs, perhaps trying to evade child support payments.
To me, it is mostly the result of a mother’s “smother love” that suppressed a young boy’s development into maturity. At 48 y/o he is still apparently living with his mother. His estrangement is so deep that I have never been able to have any influence with him. His mother “almost had completed her PhD; and was teaching at Nova University; but then she had to retire on disability due to her excessively gross obsessiveness . . . my son said that she weighed over 500 pounds (if one can believe that.) He claims that his mother threw him out of the house when he was sixteen (but he never bothered to contact his father).; but of course she kept collecting the child support money weekly.
There is a lot more to the story; but this is the essence to it all.
That was all 30 years ago (a third of a century); and I long ago learned to not let that impact my life. I have only seen my son four or five times during a two week period in the year 2000 . . . I loaned him some money and haven’t ever seen him since. I called him a few years ago, mostly to inquire about his daughter. His was an instantaneous angry reply . . . . he thought that I was calling about the money that I had “loaned to him”. Actually I would have just given him the money; but it was too obvious that he thought that he was “conning me” out of money . . . . Ha!)
My EX is an example of how a narcissistic parent can LITERALLY RUIN the life of a child whom they claim is the most important person in their life. I haven’t spoken to my EX in thirty years; and I learned long ago to move on with my life. it is one of those things that one never anticipates happening in their life. After the last incident with my son, I advised him that he could consider the money his “inheritance”; and that I had “disinherited him” in my will. His primary problem is GROSS IMMATURITY; and that is not likely to change at 48 years of age.
So your blog article was very insightful to me. I try to be a mentor to my grandchildren , especially the boys, because my daughter has a little bit of that “smother love” in her. The grandchildren ages 9, 13 and 14) are bright and well mannered children; but a little too naive and/or overly protected by their mother. (I guess that is just the nature of many women to be that way.)
Unfortunately, as I have seen in my own life, many children just never develop into mature individuals; and they wind up being emotional “cripples” for the rest of their lives.
I would add to the above comment a little background information as to how a narcissistic parent can overwhelm a child. During the first three years of my son’s life, I was mostly deployed overseas, and mostly to Viet Nam. His mother basically “sat ion the floor and played with him” . . . the mother-son bond was extreme. Later he was a very bright child in school; but still grossly immature. He was involved in sports like soccer, baseball, karate (by Olympic Gold Medalists), etc. He would show up “to be entertained”; but never became enthused about any of.
When we were divorced, the only thing that I requested and got from the Court was that I was supposed to be kept advised of the telephone number where I could contact my son. Of course, his mother immediately had her telephone number changed to an unlisted telephone number, and forbade my son to give that to me.
Initially, I had weekly visits with my son; but he eventually told me that since he and his mother almost always had tremendous fights after this visits with me, that it would be easier for him not to continue the visits. He once called and asks if he could live with my wife (that was two or three years later) after the divorce . I told him “of course you can” . . . . then I didn’t hear anything from him for over a month. Later he told me that “he and his mother had ‘worked things out'” . . . . he was obviously learning to manipulate his mother. by threatening having a relationship with his father. That obviously worked for him.
I had always anticipated that he would eventually “come around” as he matured, esp. after turning 18 y/o or in his early twenties. That never occurred. He left home at sixteen, and lived with his grandmother for a while (whom I had paid for her relocating to Florida.). Then, without my knowing it, he moved to South Carolina where he lived for several years. He only contacted me once when he needed some money . . . but he declined to give me his address or telephone number . . . . “just send the money via Western Union where he could pick it up at any location” I sent him the money; it wasn’t much really money, a few hundred; but I thought that it might be a beginning . . . it turned out to not be that. After that I didn’t hear from him for another 15 years or so (the year 2000).
Fifteen or so years later when I heard from him next, he had been living at his mother’s home for several years. She had thrown him (and his daughter) out of the house; and he needed some financial help. Mostly because of his daughter, I responded; and within a couple of hours I met him at his work place and gave him $500.00 which was the only cash that I had in the house. His show of gratitude and claims of wanting to have a relationship with his father for himself and his daughter were rather transparent . . . but it might be a beginning, esp. for his daughter.
Over the next two weeks, he came to our home three times, and we also had him, his daughter and his then girlfriend over for dinner one night. Then it became pathetically obvious that he began to try to scheme a way to get more money from me . . . it was all an obviously fabricated story to wheedle money from his father . . . Ha! He claimed that his car had broken down and he needed some help to buy a new used car. I could have bought him a used car or even a new car; but it became obvious that he was “conning me”. I could have just given him money; but that was against my better judgement. Instead of just giving him money, I told him that I would” loan him a thousand dollars” ( a token amount), for which he could pay back $50.00 per month. He eagerly accepted the money; and was”overflowing with gratitude” . . . . that was the last time that I heard from him until I called him in 2011 or so to inquire about my granddaughter, whom I had only seen once at that dinner at our home. She had been 13 y/o at the time.
It turned out that he was, and had been living at his mother’s home AGAIN for several/many years. At least his daughter has supposedly gotten a college degree.
The “moral of the story” is how can a mother, who claims to love their child more than anything else, wind up, in essence, destroying their child’s life by suppressing their maturity and making them dependent on her financially? Now my son is living on disability (from an old motor cycle accident injuries) with his mother who is living on disability retirement and Social Security disability due to her health problems from being MORBIDLY OBESE.
This is not the type of thing that ANYONE expects to occur in their life (even with their EX’s) or with their children or grandchildren.
I think that your blog article addresses all of this in very insightful ways from the perspective of people learning “who they are” to the impact of parents on children’s lives into their adulthood. Fortunately, I have had a very good life with my wife and am blessed with wonderful step-grandchildren who more to me than my own child has been. It is a shame to see how his life has turned out; but at age 48 y/o, he is responsible for what he has done in his adult life. It is a shame and disappointing; but I do not feel embarrassed by what has occurred beyond my ability to influence his life. Everyone is responsible for their adult lives.
David, your story about your son is very tragic and certainly painful for you, but I suspect also your for estranged son, whose life has been marginal. There seems to have been a lot of parental alienation involved which often happens in divorces. I wish you could have the opportunity to talk to your son again, as there are probably other aspects to his life that have contributed to his chaotic life, such as an addiction, or other mental health issues. etc. Being thrown out of the house at sixteen certainly must have compounded abandonment issues that had plagued him from having lost his father due to all of the alienation.
With age, some become more open to resolve old hurts and I hope that your son will give you and himself a chance to be heard again as there is much left unhealed on both sides. Father loss impacts the lives of male children more directly with a wounding to their self esteem and their perception of being a man, though obviously a critical, disapproving or overbearing father can do much damage too.
Although you did not ask for my advice, nor indicate if you had any desire to try to contact him again, I would be glad to suggest some ways to approach him with an offer of reconciliation.
Again thank you for sharing David. Hugs
Cherry, I appreciate your comment and advice.
However after a thirty year situation like this, it has rather worked it way out or evolved to be what it is. It is just one of those occurrences that one never anticipates happening in their life; but it is what it is. One of those “too much water gone by under the bridge” or better to “let sleeping dogs lie” . For me, at this point it is just a lot better and preferable to have just moved on with my life . . . I’ve had a good and happy marriage for 30 years, my step daughter and grandchildren as “the same as “blood”, and I’ve had a relatively successful business career.
It is unfortunate about my son; but it is what it is; and that has been by his choices. I do not see anything of value to be gained by attempting to have a relationship with someone who isn’t interested in such a relationship . . . sort of like trying to pursue a woman who dislikes you and doesn’t want to be pursued (Ha!).
Some things in life just don’t work out like things do in fairly tales It sort of reminds me of that prayer about “. . . grant me the wisdom . . . to accept the things that we cannot change . . etc.) I long ago learned to just accept the way that things turned out; and it would be foolish to invite or to push for a “negative relationship. Relationships are mostly what all parties make them to be.
I can appreciate your advice though. Thanks
Cherry , this Is a very interesting blog that hits home. I remember a time in my life when it was a mess. I never knew that it had a name ” nigredo ” but someone came out of this time . his name is Smittty, he does things that Isham couldnt do such as initiating a conversation with strangers, TV appearances, being a leader.Smittty only lives at the store . everywhere else in the world I’m Isham the name I love! I don’t Particularly like the name smitty but it works. It was given to me by my first store mg.29 years ago. I have tried to use my real name but it just doesn’t click.
When people see me in other places and recognize me as smitty the guy on tv ,I wish it was Isham. But no matter what, I glad that I’m pass “nigredo “. Thanks Cherry,
I loved your comment Isham, that related your own transformation to the more adventuresome Smitty. Obviously Smitty and Isham are the same wonderful guy! Smitty feels free though, to flaunt the Isham that didn’t know his extraordinary talent!
Alchemy is an ancient and very mysterious knowledge for personal transformation that was hidden under the pretext of turning ordinary metals into gold. It is really about polishing one’s soul to transmit more of the Divine light.
The majority of us have to pass through the putrification or nigredo stage in order to be rid of aspects of our ego and self that blocks our souls’s growth.
I can marvel at Smitty and Isham both, because I know they are one in the same, with each displaying different facets of YOU!!! Hugs