Frozen Tears

When profound pain has been stored away in our psychic attic, we can become detached from the acute rawness of the feeling over time, which is protective in nature.

Though we are always aware of this deep gnawing sorrow, we are never really able to fully unleash it, and therefore ours tears become “frozen” in time.

If you are reading this now and have your own frozen tears, then you already know about the feelings that I am talking about, if not the terminology.

For those who have been fortunate to escape ever having any, then the best definition would be that they stem from a well of the deepest sorrow or sorrows known.

These sorrows come from the most painful woundings, hurts, and losses. Deaths of children and loved ones who were wrenched from us in the prime of their lives are in the forefront.

Any parent that has lost a child, knows frozen tears in the most profound sense, as this is the worst pain any human can suffer.  There is no getting over this type of loss; ever.

These include miscarriages, not often talked about.  I feel the extent of parental grief over their unborn children is often underestimated.

Grown-up children, who have been abandoned or emotionally rejected by a parent live with an unrepairable hurt that haunts them throughout life.

Likewise, children who have lost parents during their formative years to premature death, also are wounded with deep scars.

Another extremely painful wound is having been suddenly abandoned and rejected by someone you loved.  The pain is made worse when you are replaced with someone else, as in both instances there is a death without the coffin.

Women, who have desperately wanted children, but were unable to have them, can also have deep sorrow.

Sometimes they can come from unresolved regrets or guilt over past behavior that caused suffering, losses, or harm to another person.  The most extreme cases of this that I have seen are from war veterans, who in combat, had to kill or wound another human being in the name of war.

Although this buried pain is a protective function of our psyche initially, the continual suppression of sadness can eventually congeal and contribute to a low-level depression, especially for those who have inherited a gene predisposing them toward clinical depression.

Symptoms of situational depression and clinical depression are very similar and can overlap, with a few exceptions.   One difference is a mood variation in the morning versus the afternoon, which we call a diurnal variation.

That pans out to being that clinically depressed patients are more depressed in the morning and can somewhat feel slightly better in the afternoon.  Whereas, a situational depressive can generally feel more optimistic in the morning and become more depressed in the afternoon.

Prolonged complicated grief can evolve into major depression, especially when there is a sense of guilt and responsibility.   When this occurs, antidepressants are useful in diminishing the symptoms.

We now have several studies correlating childhood abuse, neglect, trauma and adult PTSD with lifetime neuronal implications and structural brain changes.  Antidepressants can improve neuronal functioning, but obviously not remove the original grief or memory of the trauma.

When wrongs, injustices, losses and abuse happens to a person, the reactive expression to this assault can be anger or plain intense hurt.  Some people are more prone to initially feel anger as their first response, that never translates into hurt.

Others will first feel just hurt that can evolve into anger as a secondary feeling.  Whether we are first struck with anger or hurt has a lot to do with our general emotional makeup and personality.

As I often tell patients there is a strong correlation to anger and hurt.   I like to present that they are like a pancake, in that one side is anger and the flip side is hurt.

Sensitive people will generally react with hurt feelings, and those who are given more to left brain thinking types, will experience anger almost instantaneous.  Unresolved hurt can and often becomes frozen sorrow wiithin sensitive souls.

There isn’t any therapy that can take away all of the pain, but talking about it with a therapist or trusted other, can often provide some acute relief.  However, those with PTSD, talking therapy must proceed slowly and with caution, based on the patient’s psychic stability and be constantly observant that it does not overwhelm, leading to an acute relapse.

It some situations, it helps to redefine the brunt of the hurt and loss in terms of how this pain may have pushed one to change certain perspectives and aspects of their life.   As Viktor Frankl , a Holocaust survivor is often quoted;  “When we can’t change a situation, then we are encouraged to change ourselves.

Good can come from suffering, if we can give it meaning in our lives and not allow it to congeal into bitterness and anger.  I have seen suffering soften hearts, of those, who in the past ignored or minimized the suffering of others.

From the Buddhist perspective, it is in suffering that we become more aware of our own humanity and our world, and develop compassion.   Christians often compare suffering as a sacrificial sharing the burden of carrying the cross of Christ.

The Jewish interpretation of Job is probably the most clear, in that there isn’t any understanding to be had by human minds.  Human suffering happens to good people too, and that God’s ways are unfathomable and mysterious.

For those who believe in reincarnation, suffering can “polish” our souls to carry more light of the Divine Light or God of the Universe.  I am often reminded of this by looking a the smoothness of the rocks at the seashore.

Suffering is the great uniter, as no one seems spared of having it in their lives. If it is a part of human lives, then there is a reason, whether we understand it or not.

Frozen tears in the depth of our psychic well, can at times suddenly spring forth in gushes, unannounced and triggered by smells, sights, music, or listening to other’s stories that are identifiable to our own.

Those tears do bring relief, though deep sorrow can never be cried out in full.  When this happens, let it be and stay with the feeling of sadness as long as possible to encourage crying.

Grief surfaces from our psyches by small bubbles over time.  Grief is a lifetime human expression, that should be recognised as such.

There is no known therapy that can dredge out human grief entirely.  Our scars formed from our sorrows can open us to a greater sensitivity to our fellow suffering others in this world, if not allowed to turn into bitterness and anger.

Frozen tears can be often masked or never revealed, so you can never assume that someone hasn’t known tragedy in their lives. Some adults, who are difficult to get along with and prone to anger often have been very hurt in the past.

Frozen tears that can be released are a sacred testimony to our life’s sorrows and as such should be treated with the utmost compassion.  In each tear, there is a well of emotions in need of voicing and being listened to by compassionate ears.

If only our tears could talk, what would they say?  The next time you are able to cry, ask your tears to speak to you, for they can reveal more insight than your conscious mind is able to do.

Above all, have compassion for your own suffering.   Though we can never understand why we suffer, I prefer to think that our suffering is never in vain.

Perhaps from the deep well of our pain, something of good will grow.