Ten Ways of Dealing With Facebook Blues

There has been some recent research that Facebook is a downer for some people, producing Facebook blues.   I am not surprised at all by this as I have had several patients tell me the same.

Some relate experiencing so much distress that they end up being tearful and that it clouds their whole day.   Because of this, some patients have “tried” to give up Facebook all together, yet find themselves pulled back in, like a moth to the light.

Although giving up Facebook might be a temporary fix for those experiencing that much distress, I find it much better to explore the root cause, rather than shoving the problem under the rug.  Obviously if Facebook can trigger that much pain, then underneath there is a lot suffering and unmet needs.

The German study followed 584 German university students who frequent Facebook between 5 to 30 minutes a day.     The results turned out to be that 1/3 of the respondents expressed feelings of frustration and in general negative feelings after reading their Facebook feed.

The  major component of these negative feelings was envy, that the researchers felt was primarily from the German tradition of posting vacation photos.     Researchers also noted that these feelings often generated a “spiral of envy” that prompted some to embellish their own profiles as compensation.

Interestingly enough, and again not surprising, was the significant correlation between those who described themselves as “lonely” and the degree of negative feelings experienced in using Facebook. The lonely ones, who were generally passive, in that they rarely commented or “liked” other’s posts were more acutely given to have these negative feelings.

The Michigan study, which was smaller, also correlated increased Facebook use with decreased sense of “life satisfaction” as measured on a scale.  They too, found that loneliness correlated with increased Facebook use.

I think it is important to point out that these studies involved only young adults, so whether or not this is generalizable to more mature individuals will have to be proved.  Young adults are certainly more prone to compare themselves to others and in general  may have a less secure sense of self, that generally comes with maturity.

Basically though, this points out several pertinent things that is easily generalizable to human nature.   Some human beings  are going to have to some degree a tendency to compare themselves to others and to be envious.

If you can identify with these negative feelings to the extent that you try to avoid Facebook, perhaps looking at what is underneath these feelings and striving to see Facebook in another dimension would be helpful.

Rather than see Facebook as a foe and avoid it all together, I want to present some ideas/ways to deal with Facebook blues and see it in another dimension.

1.  Reframing envy to envie.  Although envy in english means to long to possess something that another person has or is experiencing, denoting jealousy, I am proposing that you see it in a French way.  

Envie means desire in French, who use the word jaloux to denote envy.   Changing it to this meaning takes on another sense of seeing something you would like to have in your life, rather than being jealous of the other person who has already obtained whatever it is.

2.  Facebook as the blinking arrow.  Seeing your Facebook blues as a magnifier with a blinking arrow of something missing from your life that you desire and value. Rather than allowing your envy to stagnate into bitterness and resentment, turn your newly reframed envie into action!

Look at Facebook provoked envy as you would any catalogue showing desirable things that you are interested in having for yourself.  A lot of what you “envy” is obtainable in your own life with effort.

3.  Stop comparing yourself to others.  Each of us has a life journey and purpose, and you were created perfectly to represent yourself on planet earth.

Your job is to discover and celebrate who you are in all totality, instead of striving to be an imitation of another.  You are unique with your own talents and gifts.  Discover what they are and flaunt them with passion!

4.  Resist competing.  Allow others to be who they are and where they are, as much as you accept where you are in your life’s path.   Work on celebrating your own unique individuality, rather than trying to implant  what you feel elevates the status of another.  Competition in trying to keep up “with the Joneses” mentality is  hidden aggression and toxic to you.

5.  Readjust your focus.  Being blue because of what other people are doing on Facebook, means you have lost sight of and focus of your own life.

What hurts in your life is exactly where you need to place your attention.  Develope compassion for your suffering, and remember that is exactly where you need your focus for healing.

Making your own life work is where you want to focus your energy. In other words the more you find yourself stirred up by others, you are draining the energy that you need in creating your own dreams and desires.

6.  See through the glossy images.  Some, but not all images or postings, are glossified representations.  That in itself is not bad per se, as most people strive to show their best or happiest facade.

Remember that behind those wonderfully glamorous photos, there are some hidden rough edges not shared. Much like air brushed models, which fashion magazines rely on, they only reveal a touched up reality.

Strive for authenticity in your life.  How you live your life and treat others is a far greater testimony to who you really are!

7.  Remember the mirror.   What you admire about another person can serve as a mirror of the same quality or talent within yourself.  The ability to recognise another’s talent means you are aware of the same, perhaps undeveloped within you.

You might even be very well blind to its presence.  I often see this in patients, who fears and self doubts have blinded them of seeing the good and talents they possess.

8.  Use Facebook to develop tolerance.  Facebook is an on site lab for tolerance building, as you are often confronted with others postings of political views, philosophies and religious viewpoints, that you do not share and may even may find bothersome.

Accepting differences in other people is essential in living a peaceful coexistence.  Their beliefs may serve to validate or resonate something in them that they need, as much as your own.   Berating them or confrontation is not your job and is very hurtful.

Likewise trying to convince them they are wrong is futile, as much as their efforts to change your mind would be.  That would build resistance. Try to celebrate the person as they are.  If you can’t, then let it be.

9.  Turn your loneliness into activity.  Use Facebook to express yourself.  Participate by “liking” others posts and commenting something positive is always appreciated.  Remember others may even feel more lonely than you!

Use Facebook as a way of making contact and staying in contact with others or serving as a public service for humane causes.  Acknowledging  posts you like is just plain polite!

10.  Use Facebook as a way to celebrate others.  Accepting and celebrating others wherever they are on their path is a spiritual lesson worth achieving.  Acknowledging their accomplishments, talents, experiences is a feel good activity, because it involve giving.

Celebrating others is always an invitation to do the same for you, and you will find that the more you can celebrate yourself, celebrating others is so easy and enjoyable.

Celebrating others good fortunes, their achievements, their children, their relationships and pets is actually a wonderful way to stimulate the universe to meet your own desires, as what we give with generous spirit returns back to us.

Critics complain that Facebook offers an easy medium for others to pollute their political and narcissistic meanderings, and that happens, but I see no need to hate Facebook for mirroring human nature.

I really feel that with maturity, a solid sense of self, and decent self-esteem, using Facebook can be excellent tool to keep in touch with people, for which is was originally designed.     I personally like hearing about others, seeing their photos, kids, grandchildren etc.,who ordinarily I would not have that privilege, especially since I live far away from my birth state.

I  love the birthday feature of Facebook.  For me, it just plain feels good to wish someone a happy birthday that I would not have known about otherwise.   Likewise, it is most enjoyable too to receive birthday wishes  from others as I did yesterday!

I also find it very heart warming that kind people use Facebook to help abandoned doggies find new homes or to promote worthwhile organizations that benefit others.

Of course, that is my opinion and I  generally find people and their personalities fascinating in the first place.   Facebook provides a medium for people to express themselves and share with the world their lives, if they chose to do so.

It should not be used to replace actual contact by phone, email, Skype or in the flesh, but for those of us living  afar it can be a blessing.  Nor should it be used as a pivotal point in your life, as life should be lived outside of our magic boxes.

Our life is far too complex and vast to be lived through Facebook.  Seen as a marvelous platform of sharing, it earns its worth.  Used as a gauge to measure your own life or be jealous, it can be toxic, but that is a problem of the user, not Facebook.