When Overachievers’s Self Esteem Does Not Match Their Accomplishments

Accomplishing and even getting to the top, for some people, does not always lead to a cemented positive self-regard, especially if their self-esteem has been undermined since childhood.

Contrary to what you may think, their accomplishments may not hold the same value to them as one would think.

In some, this may be initially veiled as humility and self-effacement in light of their achievements, shadowing an underlying poor sense of self-worth. Others may project a false persona brimming with confidence.

Humility is one thing that I find refreshingly positive to have in one’s character. Healthy humility actually comes from a sense of self acceptance, not self deprecation, that leads one to not only value their own achievements, but to admire and value those in others too.

When the inability though to accept one’s accomplishments as worthwhile predominates, then it is another thing altogether that shows underneath a loss of self-image and esteem, whether it is hidden under a cloak of confidence or not.

Perhaps loss is a misnomer because generally with these patients, they never were able to build anything resemblance of a stable self-esteem.  This goes back to their childhood and can often be traced to their own perception of themselves during that time.

Because they were never able to feel any real acceptance of themselves; they have used their performance or achievements as a way of trying to instil a sense of self-worth.

This is not bad, nor unproductive per se.  However, it never takes hold, because the foundation was never laid properly to build upon in the first place.

One needs a basic foundation of self acceptance, that generally is formed early on in life.  The majority of our sense of self-worth and acceptance is mirrored back to us with consistency by our parents.

When that is lacking, this leaves the young individual open to forming many doubts and conflictual feelings about themselves as a whole.

There are other contributing variables of course.  Children who are extremely sensitive, or who may suffer from familial discord, depression or anxiety can have a more fragile self-esteem, resulting in more egocentricity, or feeling responsible for events around them.

From whatever factors, all these doubts are usually firmly in place by the early teens and may be intensified by their peer group, creating even further psychic damage.

Teens are by and large very impressionable and extremely open to psychic insults if their self-esteem has not been solidly buttressed early on by their parents.

Not all teens with a poorly formed sense of self-worth are going to retreat into timidity and underachievement and come across as lacking confidence.  Some overcompensate early on as high academic,  sports and social performers.

Indeed, some of this motivation might be desperate attempts to capture affection and approval from their otherwise emotionally negligent parents, who might not be noticing nor applauding their accomplishments altogether.

Worse are the teens, who never get a sense of full acceptance or approval.   Many are constantly goaded by critical parents into increasingly higher performance and achievements.

Parental expectations for children can be derived from their own sense of inadequacies and especially propagated by parents with narcissistic traits.

Either way, you end up with teens and young adults whose self-esteem becomes dependent on performance and accomplishments rather than self.

This often leads to perfectionism, which can be a self-induced never-ending treadmill to accomplish more, always needing to do better and being never satisfied with whatever you have accomplished.

This chronic sense of inadequacy happens much more than you can ever imagine.  People who you admire for all they have done with their life and all the positive personality traits they may have, may not hold the same view you have of them.

It is as if they are completely blind to who they are!  After knowing all they have done and where their accomplishments have led them in life, I find it hard to believe their own vision of themselves can be so warped.

Therefore it is truly astonishing when someone you can easily admire all of their accomplishments will tell me they feel like a failure and are quick to point out all perceived inadequacies.

When this is more ingrained and pervasive, with fears of being discovered as a fake, it can be interpreted as imposter’s syndrome.  Many may be fearful that others might question their aptitudes or talent.

Sometimes there is concomitant clinical depression, which certainly contributes to skewing or worsening one’s self image. This must be treated before psychotherapy can be initiated.

It is a very tough and arduous task for these patients and their therapists to establish a part of their psyche that was never completed in childhood.  Actually the task of the patient and therapist is to recreate what parents should have done.

None of this can be accomplished in a few short sessions and often takes quite a bit of time to just lay down the foundation.  Self acceptance is perhaps best modelled by a compassionate therapist, who has worked on his/her own sense of self-worth.

Building upon a cornerstone of self acceptance is a choice to commit oneself to an ongoing task.  It is in some ways learning to mirror back to yourself the appreciation and applause you should have gotten from your parents.