It Is Really Tough Being a Kid

If you think navigating this life is pretty tough as an adult, you are right.  But, It is not much easier being a kid!  Sure kids aren’t going around telling you how awful it is, because they have no other frame of reference.

Additionally they can not really formulate into words how they are really feeling, preferring to let their actions speak volumes for them.  Painful events and fears are assimilated crudely, uninsulated by developmental awareness and defenses that adults have in place.

They come into a world and are designated a family, and a geographic, societal origin which will shape and mould their perception of themselves and the world in which they live.

Long before a baby takes its first breath, a large majority of that baby’s fate is already at play. First and primordial is that infant’s genetic makeup and gender that will predispose that child to multiple variables .

The most influential impact are of course the parents, their emotional maturity and their capacity to love and nurture.   Prenatal environment is important too, as measured by the mother’s emotional investment in wanting the child, her health and her level of stressors during her pregnancy.

The parents socio-economic status is not a barometer of having happy well-adjusted children .   One can easily think that a child brought up in privileged environment , either in a monoparental home, or with two parents would have all the opportunities of success.

Perhaps yes on opportunities that money can provide in so far as education and leisure activities.   But too often in some wealthy families, the direct care and nurturing of children is often left to nannies and other outsiders, and can be emotionally sterile.

The economically disadvantaged family can certainly have an impact if both parents are so frazzled making ends meet, they are overwhelmed and exhausted to provide more than just basic availability.

Children who have to face the separation and divorce of their parents remains a painful adaptation process, but with two concerned and amicable parents who refuse to permit any parental alienation, the recovery process  can proceed.

Of course  additional stressors for these children is having to deal with the introduction of their divorced parents new partners, which in some cases can be a real can of worms.

Obviously single parents who are impoverished are going to be most fragile and perilous, but then again the capacity to love, nurture and protect children can outweigh the lack of material commodities.

Whenever I see a patient for the first time, one of the most important and revealing histories that I obtain, is their family relationships.  This comprises their birth sequence, type and quality of relationships they had with each parent, and siblings.  Additionally it is imperative to know if any trauma, or abuse occurred during their childhood.

School and social environments have also an impact, especially so today with the prevalence of bullying either directly from school mates or through social media.  It seems to be the major precipitory factor in youth suicides.

With that in mind, the majority of my patients are grown up wounded kids, who are hurting for this reason or another.  At least they can make decisions to get help.  Most children can’t on their own, and few have any ears in their families that are really willing to listen to them.

I always cringe, when I hear adults tell a child that “these are the happiest years in your life.  ”  Some children must look at that all-knowing adult rather strangely, and rightfully so.

Children have burdens that I was glad to leave behind me.  The rite of obligatory school days that were fatiguing and long, with the ever-present home work that had to be dutifully turned in the next day, along with some teachers who made you feel bad about yourself, rather than boosted your morale.

Having to master subjects that left me uninspired.  Forced recesses, that I would have much preferred to omit.  Those ridiculous physical education “games” such as dodgeball that were nothing more than teaching masked aggression.

In defense of the reglementary of schools, for some children from violent and or abusive families, it was school that provided a haven of normalcy and peace.

In addition to 12 years of schooling, children are subject to the whims of their young often immature parents, who generally haven’t a clue how to meet their needs.   The majority being wounded themselves, they are out trying to negotiate in a world indifferent to their own suffering.

In consequence children often take the brunt of their parents unmet needs and frustrations.  Those lucky enough to have two  parents who provide a loving,  harmonious and peaceful family environment are rare indeed.

Because children are ultimately and totally dependant of their parents for basic care, and any approval or love they can extract from them, they are truly a captured audience.  Most children are conditioned at a very early age to do whatever they can to obtain love and approval.

Our parents provide us with our first relationships and if those are fraught with neglect, conflict, anger, control, and abuse, we will carry those scars into our adult relationships too.  If you have a difficult, abusive or neglectful parent, you are basically stuck to survive as best you can on your own childhood resources till you can leave the nest.

Incidences of emotional, physical, and or sexual abuse cut across all socio-economic levels and will leave deep scars in any child that will often contribute to relational handicaps in their future adulthood.

Soft or hidden abuse most often comes from the narcissistic parent, that withdraws love and approval from any attempt towards individuation, and in the end completely overrides what ever any individuality the child presents, leading them to be an extension of themselves, therefore having a lost self.

This includes children growing up in such a regimented and strictly run environment, that would make the military look lame.  Dragged to after school activities every afternoon and all day Saturday,  more in order to give their “tiger”parents something to boost about with pride, rather than instill any sought after masteries for the kid.

Children need enough slack in the parental “leash” to dream, and allow time for imagination and play at their will and needs, rather than be subjected to overwhelming demands to perform.  Expecting perfection in all realms sends strong messages to kids that only accomplishments and performance counts as a basis of self-worth and esteem.

In the end we are all an accumulation and composite of those many above variables to make up who we are.  Children are very easily influenced and manipulated, and therefore will internalize negative and critical remarks that will be imprinted in their psyche well into adulthood, often remaining forever.

Whether it is genetic or our assigned families, it is really the luck of the draw.  The luckiest ones are those children who despite adversarial components, be it poverty or divorce have at least one loving, affectionate with words and gestures, accepting, compassionate, and emotionally available parent that can instill and reflect back to their child, their goodness and delight in being whoever they are.