Can Men Ever Be Faithful?

I have wanted to write about this for a longtime, but the nagging obstacle has always been number one: I am a women and number two, I would be seen as having prejudicial views against men.

What is a therapist, who is also a woman to do? Hold back the truth as she sees it continuously out of fear of rebuttals and disagreements or just plow in and take the blows as they come!

Despite hearing and treating some of the most tragic situations ever my patients have found themselves in, I astoundingly remain optimistic about life and relationships, trying to understand rather than blame.

That said, I can even try to sugar coat the obvious, as it being more biologic, woven into the genetic makeup and beyond the best effort of any conscientious man.  I can even have empathy for their long-term plight  to remain faithful in a marriage.

Maybe it is too much to ask for a man to only confine his sexuality to his wife the rest of their union together.  After all, sexual desires can certainly wane in a marriage not only for him, but his dear wife too!  Yet women in general are less likely to engage in extramarital affairs, with the reported exception of Ghanaian and Thai females according to a recent Durex study.

I unfortunately learned about male infidelity at a tender age, much younger than any little girl should.  It was a rude awakening that thrust me out of my childhood innocent, yet looking back I can reframe it as preparatory for being the therapist I was destined to be.

I remember in junior high,distinctly telling a classmate about men’s  sexual inclinations with as much aplomb as any professor, only to find out later it had rendered her to tears.

As a therapist I have had to patiently listen to and even honestly empathise with my male patients dilemmas of being attracted to and or worst being involved with  another women other than their wife.

Human sexuality is varied at best, but gender wise it definitely has certain tendencies, however prejudicial this may seem.  The basic truth as I have seen displayed throughout the years is that men’s sexuality is indeed different from women’s in general.

As a female therapist, this is not something I revel in accepting nor really wanting to accept in totality.  I am always wanting to believe in the exception, perhaps as the best and perfect example of manhood.  But wishing and wanting doesn’t make it true, does it?

So getting back to the very question at hand; can men can ever be faithful?  It depends who is doing the responding!   Infidelity may be understood differently depending on the gender. From a global perspective, yes of course, men can be faithful ,but not as often as women would like.   But from a man’s pont of view surprisingly yes, if you delve into the fathoms of men’s psyche and rationale.

Confusing isn’t it?  Well you are not alone!  This labyrinth of their rational is indeed rooted in evolutionary biology and hormone driven, if you give in to the notion that testosterone has a mind of its own at times, irregardless of a man’s best intentions.

All women out there in the blogosphere have heard that a man is led by his penis.   True enough biologically, and some studies say most  men would cheat if they knew they couldn’t get caught. However, I do believe most married men are certainly reluctant to follow their instincts when the mood strikes him primarily out of fear, though that reluctance can erode.

What happens to his moral brain though, when he has to remind himself of a wife and maybe kids at home , who hold him on the altar of fatherhood and honor? Does he not have any recriminations of guilt before he plunges into an extramarital affair?

The real and sobering guilt almost always seems to come later after the unfaithful deed. At least in American circles, it seems as if it is a right of passage to be unfaithful,  then get on your knees after being caught with such self battering as “I have made a poor choice as a husband and I am sorry to my family for the pain I caused”.

Goodness, the publically unfaithful , yet dually apologetic American men  are  swelling in  ranks.  Could this exclusive club of the mighty and powerful in American society, drawn from  political and media circles be waving a banner in front of the eyes of  their lesser know brotherhood promoting moral turpitude.

A hidden permission of sorts might say:  Hey guys, If it happened to me, worldly renown and  admired , it can happen to you ordinary fellows out there.   So don’t worry, if you get caught, just pony up to a righteous apologetic stance and plead as sincerely as you can for forgiveness.

Where were  the brakes when they needed them in the first place to have prevented these unfortunate and hurtful acts?   Does an abundance of testosterone erode moral reasoning that prevents these brakes from being activated?

Don’t know of any studies along that line, but an interesting postulate?  Would women have the same tendencies if they were flooded with testosterone?  Testosterone can certainly increase female sexual desire, despite  mediating circulating estrogens.

Men will often tell me that this or that encounter was “just sex” as if in recreational sex, therefore to them almost not counting in significance.  To men there is a differentiation between emotional intimacy with a woman and sexual “encounter”.  A man’s heart is not always tied to his genitals.

I have often heard them rationalize that they have not been unfaithful emotionally, which is to their mind more important than sexual physicality.  Yet, men are most wounded and angry if their wife has had sex with another man.

Even when some men confessed to long-term affairs, there was often initial denial in place as to being “unfaithful”, as they saw themselves in love with two women, yet still living at home with their wife.

Regardless of all the reasons and dimensions infidelity can take, it still involves  deception and lying.   And that is the most destructive trust breaker in any relationship, and the most difficult to restore, if ever.

European society has traditionally turned the other cheek, hardly raising any eyebrows with the notion that boys will be boys.  Perhaps they are aware that the concept of lifetime fidelity, however desirable can not be realistically expected.

I am not advocating a blanket acceptance of men’s sexual tendencies, but asking that we look realistically at the strains and stresses inherent in any marriage.  Longterm fidelity should be an honored goal to strive for, but the path may be treacherous, even for those men who start out with the best intentions.