On being Gay; Compassion and Understanding Still Needed

This past weekend was the annual gay pride parade which I have always loved going to.  The incredible colors, the outlandish costumes, the very bare skins, the brazen frivolities of gay youth, all mixed with the ubiquitous base driven beat drumming in your ears.  A time when being non gay makes you feel left out, and of being in the minority.  A feeling worth knowing in your skin, of reflecting about , because this is what the majority of our gay brothers and sisters face every day of their lives.  They know they are “different”, in their sexual orientation, and they live this minority because they do not have a choice!  Choice is the key word here!  No one chooses their sexual orientation.  Choice, whether they are gay or not, they do NOT have.  Although it seems western societies have done much it promoting acceptance and understanding, there is still much room for improvement.

I am emotional writing this, finding myself moved to tears again just thinking about the pain and suffering that I have witnessed in 28 years of practice.  What comes to my mind most vividly is the slashed face of a beautiful young man who grew up pentecostal in the bible belt.  I first met him the hospital.   Driven by convictions that he must be punished for his “sins”, he took a razor to his face.  He told the pain of cutting himself was much less than all the pain he had felt being gay.  Then there was the tragic news of a very popular and gifted young man, who hung himself because his family could not accept who he was, gay.  I have held them in my arms sobbing, listened to their painful stories of being harassed and ridiculed and being humiliated in junior and high school.

I am invariably told by gays that they were aware even in childhood that they felt different, even though the concept of sexuality is not fully comprehended at such tender ages. Once the clouds of confusion start to clear, a lot of them are filled with fear for feeling this difference.  If having pimples, awkward voices, and changing body shapes are not enough for the average adolescent to have to confront, the homosexual child has double the burden.  Throw in the everyday cruel teases and taunts inflicted upon teenagers by their peers, the homosexual child is much more bullied emotionally and even physically.  Some do not make it, as witnessed recently, when another gay teen committed suicide in the U.S.  Homosexual teenagers are said to be 5 times more at risk of suicide, than their heterosexual peers, and not surprising higher in areas considered politically conservative.   I applaud the media series of “its get better” to attempt to give much-needed support to these children.  But it is not enough.

When I was growing up, homosexual youths and adults felt a need by all means to deny and be hidden.  However much has changed, reluctance to complete acceptance can still be seen.    Even in recent years, I have had a few young gay patients “try” to be in a heterosexual relationship, eventually coming to the conclusion that acceptance was in order rather than living in charades.  I have known other gays, male and female who married and had children, despite knowing their orientation.  Rarely do these unions work out, as most can not live in denial  forever. The eventual rupture is painful for all.   Of all our human urges, our sexuality is probably the most difficult to suppress.  Throughout the ages homosexuals were drawn to be catholic clergy and vowed religious because at that time, the church afforded them a cloak of safety to hide their sexuality under the guise of celibacy.  Sublimation may be possible, but the risks of deviation can have disastrous results as we are all aware of. Sexual suppression and oppression in forced celibacy are the culprits, not homosexuality!  Homosexuality is NOT pedophillic driven.   Almost all of my patients who were sexually abused during childhood, suffered abuse by heterosexual men!

Prejudice comes from ignorance and fear and seems to be passed down through generations.  Our sexuality is such a small part of our humanhood.  Likewise, homosexuality has little bearings around who we are as a person.  It is the composite of our humanity that counts!  Sexual orientation, skin color, gender, and nationality may present us as initially different, but our hearts are all the  same.   Love between gay or straight couples is identical.  The heart knows no difference!

I wonder how much more reasearch will it take? How many more genetic studies will be needed? How many more brain imaging will be shown? How many more gay teen suicides will happen?  Why is the confusion still here? How many more years will fundamentalist and or orthodox religions totally ignore science, like the church did with Galileo! To deny our gay brothers and sisters basic rights towards legal marriage and parenthood is not only unjust, and inhumane, but reeks of ignorance in light of all the present day research.  .

Being a witness to someone’s pain is a powerful motivator to bring light and understanding to whatever we can do to alleviate this extremely unfair prejudice and ignorance that still exists in our society today.  I just wanted to do my part in helping to achieve this and I hope you will too.